Captain N
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Captain N
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Fan Art/Fiction

The Fractured Fantasy of Captain N

Anyone who was a fan of Nintendo in the 80's watched Captain N: The Game Master. While playing Punch Out! on his Nintendo Entertainment System, a teenager named Kevin Keene is pulled into Videoland along with his dog Duke. There he joins the N Team, consisting of Lana (the princess of Videoland, and not from any game), Mega Man, Pit (from Kid Icarus), and Simon Belmont (from Castlevania,). (A talking, floating Game Boy also joins the group later in the series.) Now known as Captain N: The Game Master, Kevin's Zapper is actually a dangerous weapon, and his NES controller allows him to do things like jump really high and pause.

Our heroes must defend Videoland from the evil Mother Brain and her henchmen, King Hippo (from Punch Out!) and Eggplant Wizard (from Kid Icarus).

Everyone's a little off though:
Simon Belmont is blond, vain, and dresses like some sort of pilot adventurer.
Mega Man is green, has a mask, talks like a frog, and randomly adds "mega" into anything he says.
Like Mega Man, Kid Icarus has an annoying speech habit. He adds "icus" onto random words.
Kind Hippo is... blue. Just what the hell is that about?

Every episode takes place in the world of a different game. The final episode, The Fractured Fantasy of Captain N, takes place in the world of Final Fantasy.

[View of the "Final Fantasy" world, which appears to be an island floating in the clouds. There seems to be a light half with an elaborate castle and a dark half with gloomy mountains.]

Narrator: On the medieval world of Final Fantasy, an evil plot to overthrow the reigning prince reveals a side of Captain N few have ever seen.

[Camera zooms in, and transitions to a forest, with a brief view of the castle in the background. A portal appears, accompanied by the Super Mario Bros. "warp pipe" sound. Captain N, Princess Lana, Mega Man, and Pit step out.]

Captain N: Whoa, this game looks awesome! I bet we could find something more exciting to do than have lunch with some drippy prince.

Lana: Now Kevin, the prince is a good friend of mine. So be nice.

[From off screen]: Stop! Thief! Help! HEEELP!

Captain N: Nothin' wrong with some game action to work up my appetite.

[Was a line cut out here? This guy's about to answer a question that wasn't asked.]

Little man: [pointing] A couple of armored bandits just robbed my magic shop. That's what happened. I just know that evil Astos is behind this thievery.

Lana: Who's Astos?

Little man: Trust me miss, he's a man you don't want to know.

[A portal appears, a witch flies out on a broomstick (Matoya, no doubt), and crashes into Pit.]

Pit & the Witch: Whoa!

[Both fall to the ground. They begin getting up.]

Captain N: Are you two all right? [helping her up] Can I help you ma’am?

Witch: Yeah, gimme a half a pound of salami, and a quarter pound of eye of newt.

[I'm sure flying into Pit and not realizing where she is is supposed to be a reference to her blindness. Though to anyone unfamiliar with the game she probably comes off as just senile.]

Mega Man: What do we look like, a mega magic shop?

Broom: [walks up] No, you look like a tin can with arms and legs.

[Mega Man & Pit look at each other funny.]

Lana: And we're late for lunch with the prince. We'll have to hurry.

Captain N: Oh, alright, but I'd rather be fighting crooks than visiting some boring prince any day.

[They begin walking away.]

Mysterious green man with sword hiding behind a tree: So, the famous Captain N is visiting the prince. They may work out better than I had planned.

[Now at the castle. The N Team and the prince are eating.]

Pit: Wowicus, you sure've had an exciting life, your highness.

Mega Man: Yeah, did you really win all those mega battles?

Prince: When duty calls you answer, right Captain N?

Captain N: [pouring a drink] Yeah, right prince. Anybody want anything while I'm up?

Lana: I love listening to your stories. Please, tell us more.

[Captain N gets up and walks into another room.]

Captain N: *hmph* If I had a castle and a whole royal army to back me up, I'd be pretty awesome too.

Green man: All that and more could be yours.

Captain N: Who are you?

Green man: Just think of me as a fairy godfather who can grant your every wish.

Captain N: *nervous laugh* You're kidding, right?

Green Man: Not in the least. *begins rubbing the ball on his sword's handle* You could have power and treasure beyond your wildest dreams. Beautiful maidens would swoon at your feet.

[The ball glows, Captain N's eyes turn yellow, and he falls into a trance.

Green Man: All you have to do is overthrow the prince, and take his kingdom.

Captain N: [in monotone, robot-like, hypnotized voice] Overthrow the prince. Take his kingdom.

Green Man: [pulls a vial from his cloak] But first, we must help the prince catch up on his beauty sleep.

[Back in the dining room. Captain N walks in.]

Captain N: [still in hypnotized voice] More water, your highness?

Prince: Thank you Captain N; all this talk does make one thirsty.

[Captain N pours him the water, and the prince begins drinking.]

Prince: So, tell me about some of your adventures. You must be tired of hearing about me.

[The prince faints into his food. Lana walks over.]

Lana: Are we that boring?

Captain N: *evil laugh*

Lana: Kevin, this is not funny. Did you do something to the prince?

Captain N: Overthrow the prince. Take his kingdom.

Pit: [flies over, snaps fingers] Snap out of it, Captain N-icus. You're talking nuts.

Mega Man: He must be under some kind of mega magic spell, but how?

[A magic lightning bolt strikes the table, shattering it. The green dude appears in a portal.]

Green man: *evil laugh* Come, my captain. Together we will conquer this land, once and for all time.

[Captain N walk into portal with him.]

Mega Man: How do we keep getting into these mega messes?

[Now at a swamp, a portal appears, Lana, Pit & Mega Man fall from it, and into the water.]

Lana: *ugh* Yuck. Oh, I wish the shopkeeper had told us this witch's warp would land us in…

All together: Quicksand!

[They struggle.]

Pit: Don't panicus. I just have to reach my bow and rope arrow.

[Shoots a tree branch, and they pull themselves out on the rope.]

Witch: [pointing her broom] Hands up, trespassers. Move one hair, and I'll stone ya'.

[She shakes the broom, it turns green and gains a face.]

Broom: Hey, if you don't stop that I'm gonna toss my bristles.

Witch: Oh.

Lana: Don't you remember me? I'm Princess Lana of Videoland.

[The witch turns her to stone.]

Witch: *laughs* Now you're a statue, missy. When I say don't move, you don't move.

[Commercial break.]

Narrator: When we last saw our heroes, Princess Lana, Kid Icarus, and Mega Man were faced with a dangerous task: Finding Captain N, and breaking the evil spell under which he had fallen.

[We see the FF world, the camera pans over to the dark side. Then we see the swamp, camera pans over it. Then we're back to where we left off.

Pit: Uh, at least remember usicus?

Witch: [smiles] What are you doing in these parts?

[She points her broom at Lana, and a Soft Potion appears above her head. It pours onto her, curing the stoning. Wow, so there was no point to that at all, they just wanted an exciting cliffhanger for the commercial break (and to work in another reference to the game). Nice.]

Mega Man: We need your help. Our friend's been mega blinded by an evil spell.

["Blinded", huh? Not really the word I would've used there, unless I was desperately trying to work the game's plot into the show that is.]

Witch: Hmm. The light crystal would do the trick. Whoever looks through it can see people for who they really are. Only trouble is, some guy named Wheat Toast stole it from me years ago.

Pit: Wheat Toast!?

Lana: Where have I heard that before? Wheat Toast? Sweet Toast? *gasp* Wait a minute, she means Astos! Astos has the light crystal. [She picks up Mega Man and swings him around.] Now all we have to do is sneak into the castle, find the crystal, free Kevin, and save the kingdom.

Broom: Ooh, I'll be countin' the seconds.

[Now in front of a castle, Captain N is sword fighting with armored soldiers.]

Narrator: A while later, at Astos' castle...

[Captain N's sword is knocked away while fighting. He uses the NES controller on his belt to jump high into the air. He pulls out his Zapper and shoots the soldiers' swords. They disappear into pixels, with a sort of "Zelda monster dies" sound.]

Green man/Astos: [clapping] Bravo, bravo! With you training my warriors, we'll easily defeat the prince's army.

[Yes, because when he was being beaten by those warriors, he resorted to his super powers, which they don't have. He's perfect to train them.]

Lana: [hiding behind a tree] Okay, you two keep them distracted while I sneak inside. This magic key I found on the prince will really come in handy.

[Yay! Blatant game reference.]

[Pixilated screen transition with Super Mario Bros. 3 "entering a level" sound, to indicate the passage of time.]

Lana: [talking to someone in the same armor Astos' warriors wear] Are you sure you're gonna be okay in there? That suit looks a few sized too big.

[She opens the face cover, revealing Pit.]

Pit: Next time maybe we should stop at a tailor.

[She opens the stomach, revealing Mega Man.]

Mega Man: I just hope it doesn't get too hot in here. My circuits might mega overload.

[Captain N is still training warriors, as Astos watches. Pit & Mega Man walk up to Astos.]

Pit: [speaking shakily] I hear you're looking for warriors to join your army.

Astos: Do you have any experience overthrowing kingdoms?

Pit: Uh, I used to work for Mother Brain, but I got laid off.

[Lana sneaks into the castle as they speak. They walk over to a door, which Astos unlocks, and they walk in.]

Astos: All new recruits start with guard duty. Do a good job and you'll move up in the ranks in no time.

[Astos gives them a strong pat on the back. They fall to the ground, losing their disguise.]

Astos: Hey, you're an impostor. Get him! I mean... them.

Mega Man: What a time to get stuck in a tin suit.

[Mega Man backs up until he hits a wall. Astos swings his sword, but a rotary saw comes out of Mega Man's head and cuts it in half. A soldier swings his sword at Pit, but it just cuts him out of the armor.]

Pit: Gee, thanks.

[He flies over and grabs the crystal. Then he goes to Mega Man.]

Pit: Quick Mega Man, take the crystal.

[He gives it to Mega Man, then picks him up, leaving the armor behind. They stop as they are surrounded by Captain N and Astos' warriors.]

Pit: Uh oh.

Astos: Captain N, stop them! They stole my crystal!

[Captain N tries to take it from Mega Man, but he throws it to Pit. Pit is grabbed by a warrior and throws the crystal. Another warrior catches it, but Mega Man trips him. It is then caught by another warrior.]

Astos: Good work, my warriors. Captain N has trained you well.

[The warrior with the crystal removes "his" helmet, revealing that it is actually Lana.]

Lana: He certainly has.

[She holds the crystal up, and it starts to glow and flash. Captain N's eyes turn back to normal, and he smiles.]

Astos: No, no, no! [He turns into a pinkish, pig-faced, goblin thing.] I don't want to be me!

[The warriors turn into green goblin things.]

Captain N: What's happening?

Mega Man: Can we talk about this later?

[He runs over and jumps on the foot of the goblin holding Pit (with the Super Mario Bros. "jump" sound).

Goblin: Ow!

[He drops Pit and hops away.]

Astos: After them, you fools!

[Lana, Pit, and Mega Man run out the door. Captain N shoots a pair of axes above the door as he leaves, knocking them down to block the way. Astos zaps the axes (again with the pixels). After running down a hall, the N Team hit a dead end. The goblins come, swinging clubs. One hits a wall, making an escape route for our heroes. They run out of the castle as the drawbridge is being raised. Captain N uses his controller to jump himself and Lana to safety. Pit flies Mega Man to safely, though the weight brings them dangerously close to some alligators in the moat.]

[Now back at the prince's castle, the Witch is putting an herb into a drink.]

Witch: This magic herb will put some hair on his chest.

Captain N: Uh, couldn't we let him sleep a little longer? He probably needs the rest.

[Lana stares at him.]

Captain N: I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

[The witch gives the prince the herb. He springs back awake.]

Prince: So, what's for desert?

All: *laugh*

Lana: You're not still jealous of the prince, are you Kevin?

Captain N: No way. I learned my lesson, and I'm happy just being Captain N.

Lana: You're also a real prince.

[She kisses him on the cheek.]

List of game references:
Magic shop
Blind-ish witch (Matoya)
Talking broom
Elven prince who's put under a sleeping spell by Astos (It's never mentioned that he's an elf, but he's got the ears.)
Mention of a shopkeeper
Hero is turned to stone
Soft Potion
Crystal that allows you to "see"
The prince's magical key
Astos' true form is revealed
Astos' dilapidated-looking castle
Herb that cures the sleeping spell

Captain N is now available on DVD. Unfortunately, the one claiming to be "The Complete Series" only has the first two seasons, so no Final Fantasy episode. Season 3 can be found on the set called Captain N and the New Super Mario World.